Frustrations of Anxiety

I am very open about the fact that I struggle with anxiety. I know when it started (after the death of my sister) and I know many of the things that set it off. I have learned tools to cope with it. But still, I can’t escape it completely. And I get so frustrated with myself that I feel this way, telling myself to get it together, and feeling ashamed about the fact that I feel like I’m going to throw up the whole way to work, walk certain ways to avoid people, and have to talk myself down from multiple panic attacks each day.

I know this is a particularly bad period of my life and it will pass. I am being proactive about changing certain things. But in the meantime, I have to deal with feeling constantly exhausted from my anxiety flaring up and trying to keep it at bay. When I was home over the holidays, I slept 10-12 hours every night. I couldn’t figure out how I needed THAT much sleep, but I really think my body dealing with stress needed longer to recover. I would sleep in, work out, eat lunch, hang out with family, eat dinner, watch some TV, and then be ready to go to bed again. I will admit, I was ashamed of being so lazy. But I could tell I was stressed because I hardly had an appetite all day and was fighting head aches and stomach aches. Although I am back in the swing of things at work, I am still fighting the same symptoms.

This is my little reminder to be patient and gracious with yourself. Focus on what you can do to feel better (for me this is LOTS of deep breathing, reading before bed, exercising regularly, keeping my apartment clean, getting lots of fresh air, and venting to my mom when I need to). I’m not going to be able to function at 100% capacity or handle everything that I usually can, but I am going to fight and take it day by day.

 

Why can’t I take my own advice?

Maybe everyone thinks this, but I believe myself to be a good friend and a good person to talk to. I enjoy lifting people up, bringing down the best in them, and pointing out the bright side. I consider myself to be a good listener (why didn’t I follow through with my dream of becoming a psychologist again?) But I cannot take my own advice.

I have tried giving myself the advice and support that I give to my friends, but for some reason, it’s impossible. It’s as if I hold myself to a way higher standard than anyone else on earth.

If a friend complains about missing a workout, I tell them it’s okay! Listen to your body! It probably needed the extra sleep and one day off means nothing. But for me when I sleep in instead of working out, it’s because I’m lazy, undisciplined, and will never achieve my goals because I don’t work hard enough. Is it because I know what I’m capable of and am disappointed in myself?

I have had a little nagging realization in the back of my head recently- that I am always letting people down. I can’t tell if it’s letting myself down or my parents. I constantly feel like I’m just not enough- not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not fast enough, not ambitious enough, not fun enough, not happy enough. And it is a tough feeling. Sometimes I think I give up and set myself up to fail because I “know” that what I do won’t be good enough.

I can listen to the little voice in my head saying just be you, there’s no such thing as being good enough! But again, I set crazy goals for myself and push them and see other people doing things, so I think why not me?

There is really no resolution to this post. But I don’t think anyone reads this blog and I like to write so this is just my space to get my thoughts out and hopefully work through them.